When we make changes to better ourselves, our choices and our lives, it can "push the buttons" of the people around us. When a person sees an example of very brave and positive change, issues in their own lives can come up. Everyone has insecurities and issues that they do not want to face and work on (let's face it, it is HARD work and much easier to just keep things as they are) and when we see people in our lives making these changes, it forces us to see what we are NOT doing to make the same changes.
Most "bullying" and cruelty and meanness in the world is really just a manifestation of fear. When addicts are attempting to clean up their lives, they need to change their entire social network. There are people in our lives who we love and who love us who will not be positive about changes in our lives. It will scare them, it may cause jealousy or fear and they may lash out in some pretty surprising ways.
I have learned this over the years. I have seen sisters where one was always the "pretty" one and one was the "heavy" one. After years of very loving relationships, when this balance and "norm" changes, things can get ugly.
In a perfect world, we would all be true to ourselves and happy with our lives. We would welcome and encourage the people in our lives to grow and better themselves. The reality is that most of us are insecure and unhappy about certain aspects of our lives. Oddly, some of the most beautiful people I have known are the most insecure and jealous. The important thing to realize is that this is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is not your job to make your love ones do the work on themselves to get to a better place. It IS your job to set very clear boundaries about how they treat you when you are making these changes. I have found that turning the tables on a nasty comment and asking "why would you say/ask that?" (very lovingly and gently), can lead to some very positive and life changing conversations.
Most relationships in our lives can handle these times of transition and actually get stronger. Communication and honesty is vital to make this happen. As you find your own "truth", you may find (as I have) that helping people get there is a huge joy to you. Be open to being a catalyst of change to the people in your life who are open to it.
Unfortunately, you may find that there are people in your life who want to keep you in an unhealthy place because of their own issues. These people can love us and believe themselves to have our best intentions in mind but in truth, they are toxic to us. If anyone in your life wants to keep you unhappy with yourself or keep you feeling powerless, this person is not someone you want to keep at your side on the day to day. It is our responsibility to set our own boundaries around these relationships. It does not mean you stop loving this person. It does not mean you end your relationship (although sometimes it does). It means that it is OK to choose when and where you will have interaction. Without getting into any specific relationships (I know so many of your personal stories and there are MANY examples of this in all of your lives), let me give a generic example that is quite common. Your MOM, she loves you, she uses food for emotional reasons, she may not like what she looks like or myriad other things in her life. Whenever you see her, she pushes food on you or comments on what you are or are not eating (this can go in either direction). Half of my clients (especially women) have this issue in their lives. What will help is to sit down with your Mom (or whoever it is you need to talk to) when the behavior is NOT happening and you are calm. Very honestly say what is on your mind like "Mom (insert other name), I am really working hard on myself right now and trying to make good choices for myself and my life. I know you love me. It is really important to me that I feel you are "on my side' and supporting me in these choices.
The next time the behavior happens, very calmly say "I am sure you are not intending to not support me right now so let me tell you how I would like this situation to change so we can both enjoy our time together" (be very honest about the behavior that you need and are comfortable with). If the loved one refuses to change their behavior, it is ok to limit your interaction with them around the situations that are not working for you. Be very open about it. "I would love to spend time with you but I have noticed that you are not comfortable supporting me in my efforts of change so I would rather not be in that situation" (if this is an issue of mealtime etc. make arrangements to meet and spend time together where the issue (food or your relationship status etc.) is not the focus of the get together.
Find people in your life who cheer you on your way to a better you. A new you and a new life may well mean some new friends. I have so many wonderful friends. Over the years your lives change and your interests change. You can stay close and love a friend forever and find that you spend very little time with them. That is ok. That is part of life.
The healthier our friends/family/mates are, the healthier and happier lives we will lead. It is hard work to change our lives. It can be painful to realize that we have some people in our lives that for their own reasons may not support us. What we do and how we handle these situations will impact us. It will prove to ourselves that We are worth fighting for. Making these changes and these boundaries are creating new "grooves" for us to follow. Every time we do not allow ourselves to further deepen the ruts that are not healthy for us, the less 'hard wired" we become. All of us can change our lives and our habits and our "hard wiring". That is an amazing gift. It is not a gift that is easily won but it is the most important victory we will ever achieve.
Story von Holzhausen
Liquid Strength
Wow, Story, that was amazing. Totally is what is going on right now. I had an amazingly horrid confrontation this past Wednesday morning that was a DIRECT result of me standing up for myself and what I want my life to be. Usually I think of all the other people potentially attached to a decision and consider what THEY want before making a choice myself. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past and has caused me so much grief. But this has been my choice for what my 6 Week Challenge is all about--standing up for what I want and GOING FOR IT FINALLY!
ReplyDeleteI had a huge realization in the past 48 hours since my own little button pushing incident. I understand finally where this crap comes from and how it relates to my body. When I was 12 years old I had a person that was so important to me tell me, in a drunken stupor, that I had no right to complain or disagree with anything EVER. I was told that I was nothing, was useless, stupid, I owned nothing since everything had been given to me (one of the problems of being a CHILD I guess) and that I was even lucky to be alive since that person had the ability to decide, yes, get this, DECIDE WHETHER I LIVED OR DIED!!!!! The rage I felt was so intense and dark I felt I might turn inside out and vomit radioactive green slime. So I started claiming what WAS mine and that, subconsciously, I guess I decided would be food issues. I could control food and my body. But usually in anger, fear and frustration, I turned to the abuse of food (my drug) to bury the toxic emotions and punish myself for even feeling those feelings. What a crazy crazy loop of self-destruction.
And that brings me here, to the CHALLENGE and what I planned for it to be about. Standing up for myself involves loving myself for once, maybe even the first time since I was 12, and there is no room for self-punishment. Others that have been used to me doing this are rebelling.
I am now so GRATEFUL for that horrible interaction I had Wednesday morning. It dragged the dark part out, kicking and screaming, and gave me an opportunity to heal that 12 year old that decided to turn inward. She is so happy with the grown-up me right now. It took a while, but I know now that I AM WORTH A LOT, I HAVE SO MUCH MORE THAN MONEY CAN BUY, and I DO NOT HAVE TO BE IMPRISONED BY ANYONE EVER AGAIN. Including being imprisoned by myself and food and body issues.
It's so exciting to know what the root cause is...now to get in there with some powerful weed killer and plant some prettier plants!