Spring

The winter has seemed a mild one weather wise. Much has happend in the lives of many of us. This year has brought new babies to our lives and new challenges too. For Liquid Strength, this year has brought a lot of growth and many new people to our fold. That is always good news.

I find myself branching out and making the classes always a little bit different. I plan to continue on that road. I think is is really important that we keep those moments of experiencing the power and beauty of our bodies. Letting you work though a series and sit with it a while so you can explore and find the subtleties and self expression within the movements.

My hope for this year is to explore new music and inspirations from other countries and sports/dance/traditions from them.

I am so pleased at strong and open all of you are. Watching you and hearing your stories about how your lives have been effected by your work with Liquid Strength, is beyond anything I could have dreamed of. I feel grateful and proud to be a part of your lives.

Story von Holzhasuen

Owning our age

Living in Manhattan and working in the fitness and modeling/media field, there is a lot of pressure to be young and beautiful. Sure I feel it. My living is made based on how I look. I see all the women my age who have had filler, a ton of botox, anything to stay young. To be honest, it freaks me out. I completely understand how scary it is to see yourself age. You look in the mirror and you see a face you don't recognize and your arms and knees are shaped like someone elses.

When I see these faces that somehow look unlined but not like their own, my heart sinks. It sinks at the panic I feel at my own aging but also for the loss of the uniqueness and beauty of the human face. It is really hard to say "I'll never do that". like everyone I know, I want to look good and feel good. I want to be beautiful to my kids and my husband (and myself)

I see a change coming that will be against this trend. A movement led by women who are at their happiness prime at over 40 and have no desire to go back to the insecure years. I find older men and women so much sexier because they know themselves, do not "pose" or pretend anything and have a sense of humor about themselves along with a comfort in their bodies and lives.

I would love to hear your thoughts on all of this.

Doing the right thing

I hope everyone is having a great start of the new year. I have been busy getting Abby ready for her audition for the Professional Performing Arts school. As much work as it has been, it has been a way to work together towards a common goal. At 10 (now 11 but just barely), she wanted to play many times when she had a voice lesson. Peeling her away from the play ground for a monologue rehearsal was not fun. Now that we are a day away, she is in the "I would do ANYTHING to get in to this school" mode.

Living enough years on this earth teaches us to keep those goals that seem SO far away as children a little closer to our hearts. We learn that we need to train, sacrifice and stay focused to get or become all we want to be. With our "eyes on the prize", we can keep ourselves pretty much on track.

A few things happened this month that makes me realize that as adults, we likely still have room for understanding (I know I do) better about staying power on that road to get to where we want to be. People learn from positive and negative feedback. We are not all that far away from our beloved canine counterparts in that way. Most times, instead of a person teaching us, it is "Life" that doles out our feedback. Direct or indirect results that have been effected by the choices we have made. The hard part about this process is that "Life as master" can take a long time to deliver the message of "good job". If we are not paying attention, we can miss it. We can miss the entire learning process in the minutia of our day to day.

As we get older, it is harder to stretch ourselves out of our comfort zone to grow in new ways. With a combination of ego and insecurity, we bristle at criticism and fail to hear the positive. This can happen in our relationships and in our work. If we can somehow find a way to be open and to "listen" with open hearts , we will hear the love that is often accompanied within what we perceive to be criticism.

Every person on this earth can get better. As friends, parents and workers we have room to grow. If we can embrace that journey and even get excited by it, our lives can and will move constantly towards a better place. Last month, the national director of Equinox came and took my spin class. After class she had some very insightful feedback. Both good and bad. I had a choice to make when I spoke to her. If I chose to listen with my ego and insecurity, I would have heard only the negative. Instead, I listened to her. Having a "fresh pair of eyes on the ground" is a valuable asset. Having taught for so many years, I need to be more in tune with people who are walking into my class for the first time. Every word she said was true. My classes are stronger now from the feedback and wisdom I gained from her. I could almost feel my younger self and older self processing this information and all the various choices I could have made. I am glad I made the right one.

As most of you know, I am divorced from the twin's birth father. Like any divorce, it was tough. I have been working towards a better relationship with my ex husband for years. During this middle school process, we had to work together. We did. In fact, we learned to actually enjoy the process. We both made the right choices and moved towards the greater good. To see our children's amazement at us enjoying each other's company was magical.

This month, I taught my daughter that we have to have "long" vision as we go through our lives. We have to consistently make the right choices and stick to them. Even if we don't see the results we want for a long time. While I was teaching her, I was learning too. I hope that as I grow ever older, I will always be open to that process. I wish for all of you that you will be too.

Story von Holzhausen

Life and happiness

I tried to cut and paste a great article by Erika Isler (my cousin by marriage, a very cool lady and a life coach) but it is not formatted in a way that will allow me to do it.

She talked about setting goals that were not "punishing" but that make us happy. I vote yes. One of the beautiful things that come with getting older is that very simple things make me happy. For Christmas this year, one of my best friends (Susan) , Kurt and I made and ate an amazing gourmet dinner. Well, truth me told, I assisted and Susan (who is an amazing cook) made a wonderful dinner. We get the twins tonight and will have our "Christmas" tomorrow morning. In my younger years, the fact that I was not with my kids ON the 25th would have ruined the holiday. I would have missed the simple joy of wonderful food and company because the day wasn't the stereotypical Christmas I have always known. There is such a beauty to traditions and doing things the same as when we were children. What I have found however is that life doesn't always allow or lend itself well to what we imagine is "best" or perfect. Letting go of the control of what our holidays, bodies, families and lives should look like, can allow us to be happy with whatever shape they happen to take.

As we watched yet another tacky, sappy Christmas special (I am the biggest sap about this time of year and Kurt has surrendered to the fact that we will have music/special overload), Kurt casually said "You know, I always thought I would have a big family and live in a big house. But then again, I thought I would marry my high school sweetheart". That may have hurt some wive's feelings. I laughed. I met his high school sweetheart and she was great. She married a man she is crazy about and I would choose her as a friend if our paths had ever crossed in our lives.

When we met, it was instantly clear to both of us that we were a perfect fit. This in itself was and is shocking. I was in the middle of a very difficult divorce, was a single mother of 5 year old twins and my heart was not open to anyone. I never wanted to get married again and was very vocal about it. I was looking for a fast cyclist to train with and that was all. Kurt was younger than I was, never married, successful and always wanted kids and marriage. His friends thought he had lost his mind. On paper, even I hated the sound of it. Successful and gorgeous 37 year old investment banker, never married and a 39 year old single mother of twins. UGH.

Amazingly, Kurt (and his family) never batted an eyelash or questioned it. I sure did. Letting go of the "expectations", labels and resumes that life thrust upon us (me) allowed me to see how perfectly perfect our family was. Kurt's Mom said to me (nearly fainted) "Kurt bought his house, just waiting for you guys to show up and be a family". The first day (this is less than a week after our first date so it could have gone very differently) I met his father, we had lunch and went sailing. At the table, my cell phone rang and it was the twins. As I walked away to take the call I almost cringed for Kurt's sake as he would have to explain to his parents who was on the phone. When we were getting ready to leave that day, I went back into the house and his Dad said "Kurt, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's about an 11". I still can't type that without crying. I had wished for a father to say that about me my whole life.

I learned from this family, that beauty and happiness are there for us to see and embrace. If in our stubborness, we insist on judging ourselves ,each other and our lives, we can be miserable too. How differently it could have all gone.

So much of our happiness, success and joy are found not in our "reality" but in our perception of that reality. We have the ability to learn, grow and choose our joy. This year, as we consider "New Year's Resolutions", let's adjust our lenses and see clearly, lovingly and openly our own lives and our "selves". Life will fly by in an instant and spending it trying to impress other people or making our lives appear to be anything besides what we ourselves want them to be, is the ultimate waste of the gift we have been given.

Story von Holzhausen

"blue' colored glasses/big news

It seemed much easier to see the world through "rose colored glasses" when I was younger. It was a survival instinct for me. As life has stabilized and become far less dramatic, it is more "logical" to see the hurdles and snags that lay ahead.

It seems when our lives are happy in general, the "problems" stand out pretty blaringly and it is easy to give them center stage when they really don't deserve it. Imagine how many people would gladly "swap" our problems for theirs. Sometimes it feels like it is in our nature to "find drama" and hold the things that don't work in our lives under a microscope. Blowing them up to poster size and allowing them to blot out all the amazing parts.

I have noticed that people (especially women) never see how great they look (being my job, I hear about this a lot) until they look back at photos from years back. When they were living in the body that they realize was"fit and wonderful", they had too may complaints to see the big picture. I have seen this so many times over the years I can laugh when I look at my own photos. We "miss" the moments we are living sometimes. We dont' realize that these are the some of the best of our lives. Blogging is a strange thing. All I can write about is my own life. I would never break the confidences of my clients, students and friends to talk about their lives so I am stuck with mine. Not for a second do I think anyone cares (nor should they) about my life very much but it is the only example I can use to try to connect with my fellow man. More than anything in life, I hope to use my experiences here ( especially the bad ones) to try to make a positive impact. So much of our lives are spend in small talk and carefully side stepping the parts of our lives and depth of our selves that could lead to a better understanding of each other and of ourselves. I am not waiting to be an old lady (although I am half way there) to be a bit eccentric. There is enough "photo shopping" in life to waste my time with it.

The issues I am working on right now are big ones. The ability to see my life through rose colored glasses is a gift I never really appreciated until it became harder. As a teen ager, all I had was my hopes for the future and my ability to not see my life when I walked in the front door of my house. At school, I was a carefree happy and breezy person. It was wonderful. Those hours were real and I got to be happy. We all have the power inside of us to have joy in our lives right now. Like a skill or muscle, it takes practice and training to keep up the ability.

This year I am on an amazing journey. As most of you know, Kurt and I have been working our way through the infertility saga for years. When we lost our twins and I was hospitalized with major complications, I lost the ability to carry a baby. Have I been bummed about that ? Amazingly, not as much as you would think. We are very blessed to have embryos left from the start of our journey (at this point that was 4 years ago !). This year we have had the amazing chance to find and get to know a very special woman who will be a surrogate for us.

I have debated as to whether I wanted to blog about this or not. It is intensely personal. It was my surrogate who asked me if I would. Our hope is that sharing this journey will inspire and touch other people's lives. I am still trying to decide where the appropriate "home" for our joint blog will be. For now, I wanted to share this:

I am grateful for the difficulties that my family has had over the last 4 years with infertility and loss. Through the hard times, I saw the beauty of my friends(. Sharon was in the hospital with my so many time, she deserved a metal.) My students, family and friends made me realize how amazingly blessed we are. We grew as a family having shared the challenges. Even the miracle of childbirth (if it happens) will be all the more beautiful for the sharing with another woman and a family that my own family has had the honor to get to know.

I am making a promise to myself to hold onto that ability to see the world through rose colored glasses. You do not see any less clearly. You simply have the joy of the moment.

"That Time of Year"

This is a crazy time of year. It seems every year older I get, time speeds by at more alarming rate. I find it harder to "bother" with the decorations and hoopla when I know I will just have to take it all down again. If I didn't have kids, I would not bother at all. When I stop for a minute and remember the awe and joy I used to get around the holidays, it is a little sad that it has lost it's splendor for me. There is something deeper about it now that is more beautiful but much more evasive and subtle. If I am not careful, I will miss it. I know all of you (especially the Moms about my age) will relate when I talk about the lack of desire to get "done up" and go out. I used to love to get dressed up. In my work I don't really have to be "dressed" ever. In my younger days, I had a whole wardrobe for my weekends. Not so much now. The thought of having to get dressed up enough to go out to eat is so unappealing to me, I would rather order in.....

Taking care and "joy" in decorating ourselves or at this time of year, our houses or apartments, gets harder as we get older and busier. I have a feeling that somehow it is more important than ever for that exact reason. Our days, our years and our lives pass by faster and faster. Taking the time and effort to celebrate them while we are IN IT. Is really important. Every time I bother to get "done" (usually inspired by a friend who knows how good it is for me), I feel differently about my "self". There is a feeling of "ah yes, I remember you". Before I was a wife and a mother, I was just "me". You were just you. It was fun.

Spend some time with that "you" this holiday season. Get dressed. Decorate your living space. Light that candle that you save for a special occasion. We get to pick if our own lives and experiences are "special" enough. The years will pass by regardless. Let's choose to take the time and the energy to celebrate and mark our time here together. For our children but also for ourselves. We are worth the memories.

Life Phases

I heard from one of my students who moved this week. One of reasons I love what I do is getting to really connect with amazing people. It is always hard to "lose" someone to a move. Especially since I do not teach where they are moving.

Every year when I do my "6 week challenge", I am amazed at how every single person who signs up is lonely on some level. The most beautiful and exciting person/life has "holes" in it. Areas that are lacking on some level. The feeling of connecting, being "seen" and loved are what make us happy. Knowing we are valued,making a difference in someone else's life and sharing a bond with another human being are as needed as food and water if we are to "thrive".

In all phases of life, we ache for something and mourn the loss of something else. When we are children, we want to "be older" and we want our freedom passionately. Never realizing the responsibility and stress that comes with it. We search for a "life mate" or we search for Mr/Mrs. Excitement. The journey and beauty of the search is only seen clearly in hindsight. Every one of my single friends laments their singledom. Anyone married (who is honest with themselves) will admit that there is a kind of "loss" in the mystery of "how your life will unfold" being behind you. You can love your spouse deeply and have a very satisfying marriage but the thrill of discovering someone and "falling in love" is behind you.

As a Mother of twins, I remember asking everyone "when does it get easier?". I laugh at that question now. "It" doesn't get harder or easier, it just changes. You have to physically work with a baby. Changing diapers, feeding, bathing etc. As your child grows, you have to "direct" them into doing those things themselves (hopefully not changing diapers but you get the idea). Some days, I think it was easier when I could just do it myself. The worries change and we swap one issue for another as we journey through life. I used to worry that my kids might get burned by a hot stove. Now I worry about them being burned by an unkind word.

At 44, I find it harder to have "fun". Having been blessed with quite an eventful life, there is not much I "can't wait for". I am grateful for the security and peace of my life but at the same time, I see my "unsettled" friends and see the fun and beauty of the "searching" that they can't see.

All of us move through phases of our lives. Some are clearly awesome. Some really do stink. Mostly, they have an olio of extremes and gentle waves of happiness and challenges. What a gift it would be (to ourselves) if we were able to see with clarity, while we are "IN IT", the wonder of our own lives exactly where we are right now.

Story