Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Loving Betsy

     I was not cut out for bed rest.  Not quite a shocker to anyone who knows me but I actually believed that being a little older I might enjoy the "time off" from the daily grind a little more.  This year I have had some pretty major changes in my life and I vowed to blog much more and use the extra time to help   all of you learn from or at least laugh at what befalls me.
    This summer was the first time in my entire adult life that I stopped teaching and wasn't on tour or doing some other kind of work. I traveled to Scotland.  Living in NYC for these past 20 years, I was feeling very "over it" and couldn't wait to get away from the city and everyone in it.  Coming from a small town where people are super friendly and talk to each other, it took many years for me to become a NYer in that "shut out everyone around me" way.  I didn't think it would ever happen to me but it did and then some.  This year I found myself nearly agoraphobic in my aversion to crowds and people. I couldn't ride the subway without sunglasses and ear plugs.  It has taken a few months for me to figure out what exactly happened but I think I have. First of all, I work in two fields where I am constantly observed and judged by what I look like.  It is the nature of modeling and of teaching group fitness classes.  Also, living in NYC, we have a good amount of tourists who I "look familiar to" which leads to a very obvious group whispered discussion accompanied by a lot of staring.  My daughter is highly attuned to this and it makes her crazy therefore it is very hard to ignore.
      Secondly,  I have historically been someone who loves to host dinner parties, cook for my friends and have an "open door" to everyone I love.  These past 5 years, I have spent most of my time alone.  There is certainly a lot of growth there.  I do love my alone time, reading and crossword puzzles but there was usually a balance between social time and alone time.  I don't have co-workers in the usual sense and being divorced from the twins father, I don't have them all the time.  I didn't realize that there was a shift happening within my self and my interaction with others.  Everyone experiences challenges in their lives. The changes that they bring to us happen suddenly or over time and sometimes we fail to notice unhealthy trends until we step back and look at our lives and realize that we don't recognize ourselves anymore.
    When I left NYC and headed to Scotland, I was excited to talk with "really nice and friendly people".  I realized the first day that I became really nice and talked to people. Something I hadn't done in NYC for a long time.  When you spend your days literally pressed against strangers, you have to build boundaries around your "self".  It is healthy and natural.  NYers are not unfriendly. They are highly functional in a situation that is very abnormal.  When a total stranger is literally invading your personal space for a large chunk of your day, you have to construct a wall to be comfortable.
    It was amazing to see the change in myself and how much happier I was and how much happier I made people around me when I allowed them in.  I had so much fun in Scotland. I talked and laughed and experienced people of all walks of life and all ages. I had dinner next to an older couple who had me rolling with laughter for hours.  Fun and joy are so much about simply being open to both those things and allowing them to flourish.
    My next stop was my hometown. I had not been home in over 5 years.  The memories that being home evokes are very mixed for me. A lot of joy and a lot of very painful memories vie for my attention.  It is easier for me to be the person I have grown into and "decided" and worked to be if I can be in the here and now.  Although I was born Elizabeth Story, I was adopted by my step father and legally changed my name to Lombardoni when I was 6.  My step father had some mental health issues that made parenting a step daughter a very bad match for him.  Although I forgive him everything and have moved on, I still cannot write about some memories because I know it will too painful for those who love me and I have no desire to put even strangers through those memories so we will leave it at that.
      My Mom called me Betsy from birth.  In 4th or 5th grade, I began to stutter horribly.  Although at school, I was functional, at home it was extreme.  I separated my home and school selves and nobody knew I was anything but a happy bouncing blonde teenager.  The cool thing is that during those hours, I was just that.  I never shared my secrets with anyone at school.  I underestimated the other kids.  Part of me needed it all to be a secret so I could BE happy at school but the other half believed that they wouldn't understand or want to know.
     When I left home, I legally changed my name to Story and banned anyone from called me Betsy. I hated it.  I had earned my right to move on and be happy and forget those years.  For everyone else, I know it must have seemed ridiculous.  I can laugh about it now.
     As I was running alone in Scotland in the rain and contemplating my life, an amazing thing happened.  I realized that I was not really happy and needed to make some changes to let people in again.  I also thought about coming home and how everyone sees me as "Betsy".  I allowed myself to step back and ask myself "what do they see and feel about Betsy"? I was always a very good intentioned person. Even though I stuttered I would stand up and not allow anyone to tease anyone else. I went out of my way to be fair and giving and good (I knew so well how important it was).  Having the home life I did, I could have been angry, mean and lash out at everyone around me. Not that I was perfect (I certainly wasn't) but given my situation, I did amazingly well.  When my hometown friends see Betsy, they like her.  It was me who didn't.  As I ran in that beautiful green ancient land, I realized that I like Betsy too. In fact, she was awesome and I am proud of her.
   My very best friend Jacki, who was the only one who knew everything, started crying when I told her my story of running in Scotland and that I realized "I like Betsy".  She turned to me and said "We all did and I am so proud of you".   Needless to say, when I went home, It was a true homecoming.  I saw old friends who were and are still stylish,beautiful and popular and who I always felt inferior to somehow. I realized that as soon as I found the love for myself as a young girl, I realized that they had "been there for me" all along.  Had I had the courage to open up to them, they would have been amazing.  Suddenly, I felt that amazing connection that only old friends and family can provide.
    As an adult, I am a very confident outgoing person.  I see my faults and weaknesses and am always trying to do and be better. I made it my life's work to help other people better themselves, feel more confident and capable and learn to like themselves.  I realized that I avoided "home" because there was this hole in my "self". There was this innocent phase of my life that I had not embraced, forgiven and loved myself through. Bizarrely, it is that exact time of my life I should have been the most proud of.  When a child is abused, it can either turn them into an abuser or it can teach them compassion. They either take  the wrong road or pull themselves up and fight to be healthy and they are stronger and better for the struggle.
    This month I went on vacation with my other best friend Aimee. We went to regroup and gather ourselves during this very challenging year we are both having.  Kurt continues to struggle with his health issues and I support him completely, but I need to build a life and support system for myself.  Everyone needs to be ok in a family.  Everyone needs their hearts, souls and lives to be full.  We have many people in our lives for many different reasons.  Real love is about wanting happiness for each other.  It is about allowing the people you love to grow and allowing them to be "fed" even if you can't provide them with everything they need yourself.  Aimee and I laughed every day till we cried. I had forgotten that I used to be funny and laugh every day.  That time with her was like visiting myself a few years ago and it was so much fun.
   The whole reason for this blog entry(that is so personal I am a little afraid to post it) is that I want so badly to share what I have learned. To be truly happy, we need to own and embody ourselves in our entirety.  All that we were (our past), all that we are and all that we hope to be.  So many times we hold on to animosity towards ourselves or others that is rooted in our own insecurities.  When we let that go and let love fill up the space that anything else was taking, real happiness and joy can be in our lives and in us.
   For me, it was "Loving Betsy".  Whatever it is for you, I hope in some way reading this will help you understand as much as writing did for me.  I wish you all growth, curiosity and joy.
Story "Betsy" von Holzhausen