Life and happiness

I tried to cut and paste a great article by Erika Isler (my cousin by marriage, a very cool lady and a life coach) but it is not formatted in a way that will allow me to do it.

She talked about setting goals that were not "punishing" but that make us happy. I vote yes. One of the beautiful things that come with getting older is that very simple things make me happy. For Christmas this year, one of my best friends (Susan) , Kurt and I made and ate an amazing gourmet dinner. Well, truth me told, I assisted and Susan (who is an amazing cook) made a wonderful dinner. We get the twins tonight and will have our "Christmas" tomorrow morning. In my younger years, the fact that I was not with my kids ON the 25th would have ruined the holiday. I would have missed the simple joy of wonderful food and company because the day wasn't the stereotypical Christmas I have always known. There is such a beauty to traditions and doing things the same as when we were children. What I have found however is that life doesn't always allow or lend itself well to what we imagine is "best" or perfect. Letting go of the control of what our holidays, bodies, families and lives should look like, can allow us to be happy with whatever shape they happen to take.

As we watched yet another tacky, sappy Christmas special (I am the biggest sap about this time of year and Kurt has surrendered to the fact that we will have music/special overload), Kurt casually said "You know, I always thought I would have a big family and live in a big house. But then again, I thought I would marry my high school sweetheart". That may have hurt some wive's feelings. I laughed. I met his high school sweetheart and she was great. She married a man she is crazy about and I would choose her as a friend if our paths had ever crossed in our lives.

When we met, it was instantly clear to both of us that we were a perfect fit. This in itself was and is shocking. I was in the middle of a very difficult divorce, was a single mother of 5 year old twins and my heart was not open to anyone. I never wanted to get married again and was very vocal about it. I was looking for a fast cyclist to train with and that was all. Kurt was younger than I was, never married, successful and always wanted kids and marriage. His friends thought he had lost his mind. On paper, even I hated the sound of it. Successful and gorgeous 37 year old investment banker, never married and a 39 year old single mother of twins. UGH.

Amazingly, Kurt (and his family) never batted an eyelash or questioned it. I sure did. Letting go of the "expectations", labels and resumes that life thrust upon us (me) allowed me to see how perfectly perfect our family was. Kurt's Mom said to me (nearly fainted) "Kurt bought his house, just waiting for you guys to show up and be a family". The first day (this is less than a week after our first date so it could have gone very differently) I met his father, we had lunch and went sailing. At the table, my cell phone rang and it was the twins. As I walked away to take the call I almost cringed for Kurt's sake as he would have to explain to his parents who was on the phone. When we were getting ready to leave that day, I went back into the house and his Dad said "Kurt, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's about an 11". I still can't type that without crying. I had wished for a father to say that about me my whole life.

I learned from this family, that beauty and happiness are there for us to see and embrace. If in our stubborness, we insist on judging ourselves ,each other and our lives, we can be miserable too. How differently it could have all gone.

So much of our happiness, success and joy are found not in our "reality" but in our perception of that reality. We have the ability to learn, grow and choose our joy. This year, as we consider "New Year's Resolutions", let's adjust our lenses and see clearly, lovingly and openly our own lives and our "selves". Life will fly by in an instant and spending it trying to impress other people or making our lives appear to be anything besides what we ourselves want them to be, is the ultimate waste of the gift we have been given.

Story von Holzhausen

"blue' colored glasses/big news

It seemed much easier to see the world through "rose colored glasses" when I was younger. It was a survival instinct for me. As life has stabilized and become far less dramatic, it is more "logical" to see the hurdles and snags that lay ahead.

It seems when our lives are happy in general, the "problems" stand out pretty blaringly and it is easy to give them center stage when they really don't deserve it. Imagine how many people would gladly "swap" our problems for theirs. Sometimes it feels like it is in our nature to "find drama" and hold the things that don't work in our lives under a microscope. Blowing them up to poster size and allowing them to blot out all the amazing parts.

I have noticed that people (especially women) never see how great they look (being my job, I hear about this a lot) until they look back at photos from years back. When they were living in the body that they realize was"fit and wonderful", they had too may complaints to see the big picture. I have seen this so many times over the years I can laugh when I look at my own photos. We "miss" the moments we are living sometimes. We dont' realize that these are the some of the best of our lives. Blogging is a strange thing. All I can write about is my own life. I would never break the confidences of my clients, students and friends to talk about their lives so I am stuck with mine. Not for a second do I think anyone cares (nor should they) about my life very much but it is the only example I can use to try to connect with my fellow man. More than anything in life, I hope to use my experiences here ( especially the bad ones) to try to make a positive impact. So much of our lives are spend in small talk and carefully side stepping the parts of our lives and depth of our selves that could lead to a better understanding of each other and of ourselves. I am not waiting to be an old lady (although I am half way there) to be a bit eccentric. There is enough "photo shopping" in life to waste my time with it.

The issues I am working on right now are big ones. The ability to see my life through rose colored glasses is a gift I never really appreciated until it became harder. As a teen ager, all I had was my hopes for the future and my ability to not see my life when I walked in the front door of my house. At school, I was a carefree happy and breezy person. It was wonderful. Those hours were real and I got to be happy. We all have the power inside of us to have joy in our lives right now. Like a skill or muscle, it takes practice and training to keep up the ability.

This year I am on an amazing journey. As most of you know, Kurt and I have been working our way through the infertility saga for years. When we lost our twins and I was hospitalized with major complications, I lost the ability to carry a baby. Have I been bummed about that ? Amazingly, not as much as you would think. We are very blessed to have embryos left from the start of our journey (at this point that was 4 years ago !). This year we have had the amazing chance to find and get to know a very special woman who will be a surrogate for us.

I have debated as to whether I wanted to blog about this or not. It is intensely personal. It was my surrogate who asked me if I would. Our hope is that sharing this journey will inspire and touch other people's lives. I am still trying to decide where the appropriate "home" for our joint blog will be. For now, I wanted to share this:

I am grateful for the difficulties that my family has had over the last 4 years with infertility and loss. Through the hard times, I saw the beauty of my friends(. Sharon was in the hospital with my so many time, she deserved a metal.) My students, family and friends made me realize how amazingly blessed we are. We grew as a family having shared the challenges. Even the miracle of childbirth (if it happens) will be all the more beautiful for the sharing with another woman and a family that my own family has had the honor to get to know.

I am making a promise to myself to hold onto that ability to see the world through rose colored glasses. You do not see any less clearly. You simply have the joy of the moment.

"That Time of Year"

This is a crazy time of year. It seems every year older I get, time speeds by at more alarming rate. I find it harder to "bother" with the decorations and hoopla when I know I will just have to take it all down again. If I didn't have kids, I would not bother at all. When I stop for a minute and remember the awe and joy I used to get around the holidays, it is a little sad that it has lost it's splendor for me. There is something deeper about it now that is more beautiful but much more evasive and subtle. If I am not careful, I will miss it. I know all of you (especially the Moms about my age) will relate when I talk about the lack of desire to get "done up" and go out. I used to love to get dressed up. In my work I don't really have to be "dressed" ever. In my younger days, I had a whole wardrobe for my weekends. Not so much now. The thought of having to get dressed up enough to go out to eat is so unappealing to me, I would rather order in.....

Taking care and "joy" in decorating ourselves or at this time of year, our houses or apartments, gets harder as we get older and busier. I have a feeling that somehow it is more important than ever for that exact reason. Our days, our years and our lives pass by faster and faster. Taking the time and effort to celebrate them while we are IN IT. Is really important. Every time I bother to get "done" (usually inspired by a friend who knows how good it is for me), I feel differently about my "self". There is a feeling of "ah yes, I remember you". Before I was a wife and a mother, I was just "me". You were just you. It was fun.

Spend some time with that "you" this holiday season. Get dressed. Decorate your living space. Light that candle that you save for a special occasion. We get to pick if our own lives and experiences are "special" enough. The years will pass by regardless. Let's choose to take the time and the energy to celebrate and mark our time here together. For our children but also for ourselves. We are worth the memories.