"blue' colored glasses/big news

It seemed much easier to see the world through "rose colored glasses" when I was younger. It was a survival instinct for me. As life has stabilized and become far less dramatic, it is more "logical" to see the hurdles and snags that lay ahead.

It seems when our lives are happy in general, the "problems" stand out pretty blaringly and it is easy to give them center stage when they really don't deserve it. Imagine how many people would gladly "swap" our problems for theirs. Sometimes it feels like it is in our nature to "find drama" and hold the things that don't work in our lives under a microscope. Blowing them up to poster size and allowing them to blot out all the amazing parts.

I have noticed that people (especially women) never see how great they look (being my job, I hear about this a lot) until they look back at photos from years back. When they were living in the body that they realize was"fit and wonderful", they had too may complaints to see the big picture. I have seen this so many times over the years I can laugh when I look at my own photos. We "miss" the moments we are living sometimes. We dont' realize that these are the some of the best of our lives. Blogging is a strange thing. All I can write about is my own life. I would never break the confidences of my clients, students and friends to talk about their lives so I am stuck with mine. Not for a second do I think anyone cares (nor should they) about my life very much but it is the only example I can use to try to connect with my fellow man. More than anything in life, I hope to use my experiences here ( especially the bad ones) to try to make a positive impact. So much of our lives are spend in small talk and carefully side stepping the parts of our lives and depth of our selves that could lead to a better understanding of each other and of ourselves. I am not waiting to be an old lady (although I am half way there) to be a bit eccentric. There is enough "photo shopping" in life to waste my time with it.

The issues I am working on right now are big ones. The ability to see my life through rose colored glasses is a gift I never really appreciated until it became harder. As a teen ager, all I had was my hopes for the future and my ability to not see my life when I walked in the front door of my house. At school, I was a carefree happy and breezy person. It was wonderful. Those hours were real and I got to be happy. We all have the power inside of us to have joy in our lives right now. Like a skill or muscle, it takes practice and training to keep up the ability.

This year I am on an amazing journey. As most of you know, Kurt and I have been working our way through the infertility saga for years. When we lost our twins and I was hospitalized with major complications, I lost the ability to carry a baby. Have I been bummed about that ? Amazingly, not as much as you would think. We are very blessed to have embryos left from the start of our journey (at this point that was 4 years ago !). This year we have had the amazing chance to find and get to know a very special woman who will be a surrogate for us.

I have debated as to whether I wanted to blog about this or not. It is intensely personal. It was my surrogate who asked me if I would. Our hope is that sharing this journey will inspire and touch other people's lives. I am still trying to decide where the appropriate "home" for our joint blog will be. For now, I wanted to share this:

I am grateful for the difficulties that my family has had over the last 4 years with infertility and loss. Through the hard times, I saw the beauty of my friends(. Sharon was in the hospital with my so many time, she deserved a metal.) My students, family and friends made me realize how amazingly blessed we are. We grew as a family having shared the challenges. Even the miracle of childbirth (if it happens) will be all the more beautiful for the sharing with another woman and a family that my own family has had the honor to get to know.

I am making a promise to myself to hold onto that ability to see the world through rose colored glasses. You do not see any less clearly. You simply have the joy of the moment.

"That Time of Year"

This is a crazy time of year. It seems every year older I get, time speeds by at more alarming rate. I find it harder to "bother" with the decorations and hoopla when I know I will just have to take it all down again. If I didn't have kids, I would not bother at all. When I stop for a minute and remember the awe and joy I used to get around the holidays, it is a little sad that it has lost it's splendor for me. There is something deeper about it now that is more beautiful but much more evasive and subtle. If I am not careful, I will miss it. I know all of you (especially the Moms about my age) will relate when I talk about the lack of desire to get "done up" and go out. I used to love to get dressed up. In my work I don't really have to be "dressed" ever. In my younger days, I had a whole wardrobe for my weekends. Not so much now. The thought of having to get dressed up enough to go out to eat is so unappealing to me, I would rather order in.....

Taking care and "joy" in decorating ourselves or at this time of year, our houses or apartments, gets harder as we get older and busier. I have a feeling that somehow it is more important than ever for that exact reason. Our days, our years and our lives pass by faster and faster. Taking the time and effort to celebrate them while we are IN IT. Is really important. Every time I bother to get "done" (usually inspired by a friend who knows how good it is for me), I feel differently about my "self". There is a feeling of "ah yes, I remember you". Before I was a wife and a mother, I was just "me". You were just you. It was fun.

Spend some time with that "you" this holiday season. Get dressed. Decorate your living space. Light that candle that you save for a special occasion. We get to pick if our own lives and experiences are "special" enough. The years will pass by regardless. Let's choose to take the time and the energy to celebrate and mark our time here together. For our children but also for ourselves. We are worth the memories.

Life Phases

I heard from one of my students who moved this week. One of reasons I love what I do is getting to really connect with amazing people. It is always hard to "lose" someone to a move. Especially since I do not teach where they are moving.

Every year when I do my "6 week challenge", I am amazed at how every single person who signs up is lonely on some level. The most beautiful and exciting person/life has "holes" in it. Areas that are lacking on some level. The feeling of connecting, being "seen" and loved are what make us happy. Knowing we are valued,making a difference in someone else's life and sharing a bond with another human being are as needed as food and water if we are to "thrive".

In all phases of life, we ache for something and mourn the loss of something else. When we are children, we want to "be older" and we want our freedom passionately. Never realizing the responsibility and stress that comes with it. We search for a "life mate" or we search for Mr/Mrs. Excitement. The journey and beauty of the search is only seen clearly in hindsight. Every one of my single friends laments their singledom. Anyone married (who is honest with themselves) will admit that there is a kind of "loss" in the mystery of "how your life will unfold" being behind you. You can love your spouse deeply and have a very satisfying marriage but the thrill of discovering someone and "falling in love" is behind you.

As a Mother of twins, I remember asking everyone "when does it get easier?". I laugh at that question now. "It" doesn't get harder or easier, it just changes. You have to physically work with a baby. Changing diapers, feeding, bathing etc. As your child grows, you have to "direct" them into doing those things themselves (hopefully not changing diapers but you get the idea). Some days, I think it was easier when I could just do it myself. The worries change and we swap one issue for another as we journey through life. I used to worry that my kids might get burned by a hot stove. Now I worry about them being burned by an unkind word.

At 44, I find it harder to have "fun". Having been blessed with quite an eventful life, there is not much I "can't wait for". I am grateful for the security and peace of my life but at the same time, I see my "unsettled" friends and see the fun and beauty of the "searching" that they can't see.

All of us move through phases of our lives. Some are clearly awesome. Some really do stink. Mostly, they have an olio of extremes and gentle waves of happiness and challenges. What a gift it would be (to ourselves) if we were able to see with clarity, while we are "IN IT", the wonder of our own lives exactly where we are right now.

Story

The Honesty of Trees

I love Fall. It is a time where I feel we are the most in touch with the earth. We celebrate the trees as they transform to living fire. The smell of fall, crisp air, leaves, apples and the age old feeling of "harvest time" are some of the reasons I love this season so much.

Although I can't remember exactly how old I was when I learned this, I remember thinking it was the coolest thing I had ever: The color the leaves turn in fall are their "true" color. The colors were there all along. The chlorophyll (green) that infuses the leaves and functions to take in and convert energy, completely hides the colors.

The tree and therefore the leaves need the chlorophyll to survive and it functions as their equivalent of food. As humans, we go beyond our brother trees and wrap ourselves in needed and unneeded layers. We create some layers and steal from other animals to create some. We do this in order to survive and in some cases we do this to hide or to create our "Self" from ourselves or others.

What if we could see the colors in each other under our layers of fashion and fear? I wonder at how few people would ever have the courage to look at their own foliage let alone let the world see it.

There is an honesty to the trees that I admire. When the "season" comes to let go of the illusion and of the "youth" of Spring and Summer, it does. The beauty is astounding. There is an inspiration there for all of us if we care to see it.

Story von Holzhausen

getting back to blogging

I ran into a friend/student today. One of those people who are like a bright light that shines on you when they smile. She asked me if I was ok because I hadn't blogged in a long time. It was great to know that she was reading the blog but I realized that it has been a very long time since I have reached out and connected with all of you.

This has been a tough few months for me in some ways and a wonderful stretch in others. Classes are amazing and I feel inspired and moved by all of you. I am so lucky to get to do what I do for a living. Some of you will have noticed that I have had some joint pain the last few months and have been sick to my stomach. I can't imagine anything could ever keep me from doing all the things I love but it has been a bit harder lately.

One of the reasons I have not blogged is that I wanted to have some resolution before I opened up about it. Life rarely gives us the "resolution" we want so we need to find the peace within ourselves and enjoy the journey.

Keep tuned in and I will keep up my blogging .....

Story von Holzhausen

A few of my favorite things

I wanted to share a few things that I have discovered (or in some cases rediscovered) that are great:

1) Thermos Large Stainless Steel Hydration Bottle

It is a large bottle but ice will stay ice overnight even in the heat of August as I walk around. AMAZING !

2) You can take out the insoles of your shoes/cycling shoes and wash them. Often.

3) Athlete's foot powder in your shoes can help keep your feet smooth (that hard skin is often yeast/fungus based)

4) Reading is such a great way to travel, explore and live a million lives w/very little money. This year's picks:

a)George R.R. Martin's "A Game of Thrones" series. (I reread the whole thing this year because after 6 years the 5th book is finally out)

b) Cutting for Stone

c) Fall On Your Knees

5) Kat Von D tattoo concealer (it is light, does't run or show and can hide anything)

6) Benefit "Girl Meets Pearl". This stuff rubbed into your cheekbones makes your skin look perfect

7) Apifeni clothing for working out. So brilliant to put body shaping technology into workout wear. Compression helps recovery.

8) NibMor chocolate bars. They are sweetened with Agave

9) Vitamin Water Zero. The only easy to find drink sweetened with Stevia

summer love

I have been so remiss about blogging this summer. I got sucked into reading the George RR Martin series again after watching the HBO series and I was an addict all over again. I am not 5% away from finishing book 5 which took 6 years to come out. UGH.

I don't know where to begin in the praise of all my students ! This year has marked a huge growth in Liquid Strength® classes in NYC and the first time that there has been a class outside of NYC. Greenwich classes are as crowded and excited as all my NYC classes are.

I hope all of you are taking advantage of the delicious food that summer has to offer. I have been making myself Soft Shell Crabs. I never knew how EASY they are. I just lightly dust them with buckwheat flour and pan sear in olive oil. It takes 5 minutes and they are unbelievable. Cherries and watermelon have been my treat and daily splurge. YUM.

It will be really interesting when September comes around and everyone comes back to class how we are all going to fit in to the room....I have a feeling that it is time to add a few more classes.

Have a wonderful rest of summer everyone and I will see you in September !!!