It has been a very long time

    The past two years have been amazingly eventful.  A seemingly calm period of time can be a perfect disguise for earth shattering changes.  As I emerge from my silence, I bring with me lessons learned from choosing to stand still and from haltingly moving in directions uncomfortable to me.
    This first dip into the pool of finding my voice again after metamorphosis of sorts is both exciting and horrifying.  Stay tuned for mini posts as I "clear my throat"

Loving Betsy

     I was not cut out for bed rest.  Not quite a shocker to anyone who knows me but I actually believed that being a little older I might enjoy the "time off" from the daily grind a little more.  This year I have had some pretty major changes in my life and I vowed to blog much more and use the extra time to help   all of you learn from or at least laugh at what befalls me.
    This summer was the first time in my entire adult life that I stopped teaching and wasn't on tour or doing some other kind of work. I traveled to Scotland.  Living in NYC for these past 20 years, I was feeling very "over it" and couldn't wait to get away from the city and everyone in it.  Coming from a small town where people are super friendly and talk to each other, it took many years for me to become a NYer in that "shut out everyone around me" way.  I didn't think it would ever happen to me but it did and then some.  This year I found myself nearly agoraphobic in my aversion to crowds and people. I couldn't ride the subway without sunglasses and ear plugs.  It has taken a few months for me to figure out what exactly happened but I think I have. First of all, I work in two fields where I am constantly observed and judged by what I look like.  It is the nature of modeling and of teaching group fitness classes.  Also, living in NYC, we have a good amount of tourists who I "look familiar to" which leads to a very obvious group whispered discussion accompanied by a lot of staring.  My daughter is highly attuned to this and it makes her crazy therefore it is very hard to ignore.
      Secondly,  I have historically been someone who loves to host dinner parties, cook for my friends and have an "open door" to everyone I love.  These past 5 years, I have spent most of my time alone.  There is certainly a lot of growth there.  I do love my alone time, reading and crossword puzzles but there was usually a balance between social time and alone time.  I don't have co-workers in the usual sense and being divorced from the twins father, I don't have them all the time.  I didn't realize that there was a shift happening within my self and my interaction with others.  Everyone experiences challenges in their lives. The changes that they bring to us happen suddenly or over time and sometimes we fail to notice unhealthy trends until we step back and look at our lives and realize that we don't recognize ourselves anymore.
    When I left NYC and headed to Scotland, I was excited to talk with "really nice and friendly people".  I realized the first day that I became really nice and talked to people. Something I hadn't done in NYC for a long time.  When you spend your days literally pressed against strangers, you have to build boundaries around your "self".  It is healthy and natural.  NYers are not unfriendly. They are highly functional in a situation that is very abnormal.  When a total stranger is literally invading your personal space for a large chunk of your day, you have to construct a wall to be comfortable.
    It was amazing to see the change in myself and how much happier I was and how much happier I made people around me when I allowed them in.  I had so much fun in Scotland. I talked and laughed and experienced people of all walks of life and all ages. I had dinner next to an older couple who had me rolling with laughter for hours.  Fun and joy are so much about simply being open to both those things and allowing them to flourish.
    My next stop was my hometown. I had not been home in over 5 years.  The memories that being home evokes are very mixed for me. A lot of joy and a lot of very painful memories vie for my attention.  It is easier for me to be the person I have grown into and "decided" and worked to be if I can be in the here and now.  Although I was born Elizabeth Story, I was adopted by my step father and legally changed my name to Lombardoni when I was 6.  My step father had some mental health issues that made parenting a step daughter a very bad match for him.  Although I forgive him everything and have moved on, I still cannot write about some memories because I know it will too painful for those who love me and I have no desire to put even strangers through those memories so we will leave it at that.
      My Mom called me Betsy from birth.  In 4th or 5th grade, I began to stutter horribly.  Although at school, I was functional, at home it was extreme.  I separated my home and school selves and nobody knew I was anything but a happy bouncing blonde teenager.  The cool thing is that during those hours, I was just that.  I never shared my secrets with anyone at school.  I underestimated the other kids.  Part of me needed it all to be a secret so I could BE happy at school but the other half believed that they wouldn't understand or want to know.
     When I left home, I legally changed my name to Story and banned anyone from called me Betsy. I hated it.  I had earned my right to move on and be happy and forget those years.  For everyone else, I know it must have seemed ridiculous.  I can laugh about it now.
     As I was running alone in Scotland in the rain and contemplating my life, an amazing thing happened.  I realized that I was not really happy and needed to make some changes to let people in again.  I also thought about coming home and how everyone sees me as "Betsy".  I allowed myself to step back and ask myself "what do they see and feel about Betsy"? I was always a very good intentioned person. Even though I stuttered I would stand up and not allow anyone to tease anyone else. I went out of my way to be fair and giving and good (I knew so well how important it was).  Having the home life I did, I could have been angry, mean and lash out at everyone around me. Not that I was perfect (I certainly wasn't) but given my situation, I did amazingly well.  When my hometown friends see Betsy, they like her.  It was me who didn't.  As I ran in that beautiful green ancient land, I realized that I like Betsy too. In fact, she was awesome and I am proud of her.
   My very best friend Jacki, who was the only one who knew everything, started crying when I told her my story of running in Scotland and that I realized "I like Betsy".  She turned to me and said "We all did and I am so proud of you".   Needless to say, when I went home, It was a true homecoming.  I saw old friends who were and are still stylish,beautiful and popular and who I always felt inferior to somehow. I realized that as soon as I found the love for myself as a young girl, I realized that they had "been there for me" all along.  Had I had the courage to open up to them, they would have been amazing.  Suddenly, I felt that amazing connection that only old friends and family can provide.
    As an adult, I am a very confident outgoing person.  I see my faults and weaknesses and am always trying to do and be better. I made it my life's work to help other people better themselves, feel more confident and capable and learn to like themselves.  I realized that I avoided "home" because there was this hole in my "self". There was this innocent phase of my life that I had not embraced, forgiven and loved myself through. Bizarrely, it is that exact time of my life I should have been the most proud of.  When a child is abused, it can either turn them into an abuser or it can teach them compassion. They either take  the wrong road or pull themselves up and fight to be healthy and they are stronger and better for the struggle.
    This month I went on vacation with my other best friend Aimee. We went to regroup and gather ourselves during this very challenging year we are both having.  Kurt continues to struggle with his health issues and I support him completely, but I need to build a life and support system for myself.  Everyone needs to be ok in a family.  Everyone needs their hearts, souls and lives to be full.  We have many people in our lives for many different reasons.  Real love is about wanting happiness for each other.  It is about allowing the people you love to grow and allowing them to be "fed" even if you can't provide them with everything they need yourself.  Aimee and I laughed every day till we cried. I had forgotten that I used to be funny and laugh every day.  That time with her was like visiting myself a few years ago and it was so much fun.
   The whole reason for this blog entry(that is so personal I am a little afraid to post it) is that I want so badly to share what I have learned. To be truly happy, we need to own and embody ourselves in our entirety.  All that we were (our past), all that we are and all that we hope to be.  So many times we hold on to animosity towards ourselves or others that is rooted in our own insecurities.  When we let that go and let love fill up the space that anything else was taking, real happiness and joy can be in our lives and in us.
   For me, it was "Loving Betsy".  Whatever it is for you, I hope in some way reading this will help you understand as much as writing did for me.  I wish you all growth, curiosity and joy.
Story "Betsy" von Holzhausen
 

     Some days as I sit on the subway, I realize that people look nothing like their media counterparts.  The faces of "normal" moms on television and magazines are the faces of models with less make-up.  We never see pimples, wrinkles or anything that makes these images less than "perfect".

    The face or body we see in the mirror can be a bit jarring in it's "reality of imperfection". The irony is that nobody (even the people who populate this imaginary media world) is safe from the pressure to be "perfect".  The images we see in magazines, on billboards and on television are achieved by an entire team of people. There are people who do pre-production and then another team who work at the shoot doing make-up, lighting and styling.  There is also an entire crew doing post production work including doing edits, photoshop, cropping and "corrections".

    Many celebrities have seen photos of themselves and said "I wish I really looked like that".  As a model, I am always shocked by the photos I see of myself post production.  I know first hand that these images are not reality.

    How do we reconcile our self image with the images we are bombarded with in the media? Every year I am more convinced that "sexy" is not how good looking someone is. It is the belief that a person is special and confident.  As soon as we look for validation from others or are insecure about ourselves, we become less attractive.  Every human being alive has insecurities and fears.  Most of us will struggle with them all of our lives.  What I am talking about here, are the more public and superficial ones.

    As an instructor and trainer, a huge part of my job is changing people's bodies.  Just as challenging a job is changing their body images and how much joy they allow themselves to experience in their bodies. The irony, is that a person can have body that others would view as ideal and still they can be truly miserable in it.  How many times have you looked back at photos and thought "Wow, I looked great but I sure didn't know it or enjoy it at the time".    

      In fitness modeling, there are the models who have great abs and those that have great legs.  The best abs and legs are never found on the same body.  That is simply because there are different body types. Long legs usually make for a shorter torso and vice versa.  These models rarely admire the body part that is stunning on themselves, they obsess about the others.

    With every year that passes, I become more convince that our minds and our "joy" are where we will find the confidence we think depends on our bodies being "better/perfect/10lbs thinner".  As soon as internal change happens, often times the body changes too.

   How do we begin the journey to being happy with ourselves ?  The first thing is work really hard as shutting off the voices that we have heard for most of our lives that pick very specific parts of our bodies apart.  If I could put most of my clients in a glass room and have a group of strangers make observations, not one person would notice most of the imperfections that haunt each of them.
     A very dear actress friend of mine  told me a story about the leading"sex appeal" coach used in films. She is an 80 year old woman who looks like any random grandma. She teaches some of the most beautiful women in the world how to "be sexy".  She teaches them that being sexy is about holding your own power.   It is believing in that power of "Self" and owning it.
     We all have this ability within ourselves.  We all have the choice of how our energy, love and will are used.  We can be consumed by jealousy and insecurity or we can grab ahold of those reigns and be a force of benevolence and change in our own world and the world as a whole.

    Resist the urge to read "beauty" magazines.  Most of these offer very little information that is salient, useful or scientifically based.  Pick up magazines that will teach you the science behind your body. Find subjects that interest and challenge you.  Focus of learning a new sport or skill.  

    When you are moving, feel how good it feels to have the freedom to move. How wonderful it feels to feel strong and capable.  Get to know your body and your self with an open mind and heart.  Be grateful and not a little impressed  with all you are capable of. These are the things that really matter.  

   

Spring

The winter has seemed a mild one weather wise. Much has happend in the lives of many of us. This year has brought new babies to our lives and new challenges too. For Liquid Strength, this year has brought a lot of growth and many new people to our fold. That is always good news.

I find myself branching out and making the classes always a little bit different. I plan to continue on that road. I think is is really important that we keep those moments of experiencing the power and beauty of our bodies. Letting you work though a series and sit with it a while so you can explore and find the subtleties and self expression within the movements.

My hope for this year is to explore new music and inspirations from other countries and sports/dance/traditions from them.

I am so pleased at strong and open all of you are. Watching you and hearing your stories about how your lives have been effected by your work with Liquid Strength, is beyond anything I could have dreamed of. I feel grateful and proud to be a part of your lives.

Story von Holzhasuen

Owning our age

Living in Manhattan and working in the fitness and modeling/media field, there is a lot of pressure to be young and beautiful. Sure I feel it. My living is made based on how I look. I see all the women my age who have had filler, a ton of botox, anything to stay young. To be honest, it freaks me out. I completely understand how scary it is to see yourself age. You look in the mirror and you see a face you don't recognize and your arms and knees are shaped like someone elses.

When I see these faces that somehow look unlined but not like their own, my heart sinks. It sinks at the panic I feel at my own aging but also for the loss of the uniqueness and beauty of the human face. It is really hard to say "I'll never do that". like everyone I know, I want to look good and feel good. I want to be beautiful to my kids and my husband (and myself)

I see a change coming that will be against this trend. A movement led by women who are at their happiness prime at over 40 and have no desire to go back to the insecure years. I find older men and women so much sexier because they know themselves, do not "pose" or pretend anything and have a sense of humor about themselves along with a comfort in their bodies and lives.

I would love to hear your thoughts on all of this.

Doing the right thing

I hope everyone is having a great start of the new year. I have been busy getting Abby ready for her audition for the Professional Performing Arts school. As much work as it has been, it has been a way to work together towards a common goal. At 10 (now 11 but just barely), she wanted to play many times when she had a voice lesson. Peeling her away from the play ground for a monologue rehearsal was not fun. Now that we are a day away, she is in the "I would do ANYTHING to get in to this school" mode.

Living enough years on this earth teaches us to keep those goals that seem SO far away as children a little closer to our hearts. We learn that we need to train, sacrifice and stay focused to get or become all we want to be. With our "eyes on the prize", we can keep ourselves pretty much on track.

A few things happened this month that makes me realize that as adults, we likely still have room for understanding (I know I do) better about staying power on that road to get to where we want to be. People learn from positive and negative feedback. We are not all that far away from our beloved canine counterparts in that way. Most times, instead of a person teaching us, it is "Life" that doles out our feedback. Direct or indirect results that have been effected by the choices we have made. The hard part about this process is that "Life as master" can take a long time to deliver the message of "good job". If we are not paying attention, we can miss it. We can miss the entire learning process in the minutia of our day to day.

As we get older, it is harder to stretch ourselves out of our comfort zone to grow in new ways. With a combination of ego and insecurity, we bristle at criticism and fail to hear the positive. This can happen in our relationships and in our work. If we can somehow find a way to be open and to "listen" with open hearts , we will hear the love that is often accompanied within what we perceive to be criticism.

Every person on this earth can get better. As friends, parents and workers we have room to grow. If we can embrace that journey and even get excited by it, our lives can and will move constantly towards a better place. Last month, the national director of Equinox came and took my spin class. After class she had some very insightful feedback. Both good and bad. I had a choice to make when I spoke to her. If I chose to listen with my ego and insecurity, I would have heard only the negative. Instead, I listened to her. Having a "fresh pair of eyes on the ground" is a valuable asset. Having taught for so many years, I need to be more in tune with people who are walking into my class for the first time. Every word she said was true. My classes are stronger now from the feedback and wisdom I gained from her. I could almost feel my younger self and older self processing this information and all the various choices I could have made. I am glad I made the right one.

As most of you know, I am divorced from the twin's birth father. Like any divorce, it was tough. I have been working towards a better relationship with my ex husband for years. During this middle school process, we had to work together. We did. In fact, we learned to actually enjoy the process. We both made the right choices and moved towards the greater good. To see our children's amazement at us enjoying each other's company was magical.

This month, I taught my daughter that we have to have "long" vision as we go through our lives. We have to consistently make the right choices and stick to them. Even if we don't see the results we want for a long time. While I was teaching her, I was learning too. I hope that as I grow ever older, I will always be open to that process. I wish for all of you that you will be too.

Story von Holzhausen

Life and happiness

I tried to cut and paste a great article by Erika Isler (my cousin by marriage, a very cool lady and a life coach) but it is not formatted in a way that will allow me to do it.

She talked about setting goals that were not "punishing" but that make us happy. I vote yes. One of the beautiful things that come with getting older is that very simple things make me happy. For Christmas this year, one of my best friends (Susan) , Kurt and I made and ate an amazing gourmet dinner. Well, truth me told, I assisted and Susan (who is an amazing cook) made a wonderful dinner. We get the twins tonight and will have our "Christmas" tomorrow morning. In my younger years, the fact that I was not with my kids ON the 25th would have ruined the holiday. I would have missed the simple joy of wonderful food and company because the day wasn't the stereotypical Christmas I have always known. There is such a beauty to traditions and doing things the same as when we were children. What I have found however is that life doesn't always allow or lend itself well to what we imagine is "best" or perfect. Letting go of the control of what our holidays, bodies, families and lives should look like, can allow us to be happy with whatever shape they happen to take.

As we watched yet another tacky, sappy Christmas special (I am the biggest sap about this time of year and Kurt has surrendered to the fact that we will have music/special overload), Kurt casually said "You know, I always thought I would have a big family and live in a big house. But then again, I thought I would marry my high school sweetheart". That may have hurt some wive's feelings. I laughed. I met his high school sweetheart and she was great. She married a man she is crazy about and I would choose her as a friend if our paths had ever crossed in our lives.

When we met, it was instantly clear to both of us that we were a perfect fit. This in itself was and is shocking. I was in the middle of a very difficult divorce, was a single mother of 5 year old twins and my heart was not open to anyone. I never wanted to get married again and was very vocal about it. I was looking for a fast cyclist to train with and that was all. Kurt was younger than I was, never married, successful and always wanted kids and marriage. His friends thought he had lost his mind. On paper, even I hated the sound of it. Successful and gorgeous 37 year old investment banker, never married and a 39 year old single mother of twins. UGH.

Amazingly, Kurt (and his family) never batted an eyelash or questioned it. I sure did. Letting go of the "expectations", labels and resumes that life thrust upon us (me) allowed me to see how perfectly perfect our family was. Kurt's Mom said to me (nearly fainted) "Kurt bought his house, just waiting for you guys to show up and be a family". The first day (this is less than a week after our first date so it could have gone very differently) I met his father, we had lunch and went sailing. At the table, my cell phone rang and it was the twins. As I walked away to take the call I almost cringed for Kurt's sake as he would have to explain to his parents who was on the phone. When we were getting ready to leave that day, I went back into the house and his Dad said "Kurt, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's about an 11". I still can't type that without crying. I had wished for a father to say that about me my whole life.

I learned from this family, that beauty and happiness are there for us to see and embrace. If in our stubborness, we insist on judging ourselves ,each other and our lives, we can be miserable too. How differently it could have all gone.

So much of our happiness, success and joy are found not in our "reality" but in our perception of that reality. We have the ability to learn, grow and choose our joy. This year, as we consider "New Year's Resolutions", let's adjust our lenses and see clearly, lovingly and openly our own lives and our "selves". Life will fly by in an instant and spending it trying to impress other people or making our lives appear to be anything besides what we ourselves want them to be, is the ultimate waste of the gift we have been given.

Story von Holzhausen

"blue' colored glasses/big news

It seemed much easier to see the world through "rose colored glasses" when I was younger. It was a survival instinct for me. As life has stabilized and become far less dramatic, it is more "logical" to see the hurdles and snags that lay ahead.

It seems when our lives are happy in general, the "problems" stand out pretty blaringly and it is easy to give them center stage when they really don't deserve it. Imagine how many people would gladly "swap" our problems for theirs. Sometimes it feels like it is in our nature to "find drama" and hold the things that don't work in our lives under a microscope. Blowing them up to poster size and allowing them to blot out all the amazing parts.

I have noticed that people (especially women) never see how great they look (being my job, I hear about this a lot) until they look back at photos from years back. When they were living in the body that they realize was"fit and wonderful", they had too may complaints to see the big picture. I have seen this so many times over the years I can laugh when I look at my own photos. We "miss" the moments we are living sometimes. We dont' realize that these are the some of the best of our lives. Blogging is a strange thing. All I can write about is my own life. I would never break the confidences of my clients, students and friends to talk about their lives so I am stuck with mine. Not for a second do I think anyone cares (nor should they) about my life very much but it is the only example I can use to try to connect with my fellow man. More than anything in life, I hope to use my experiences here ( especially the bad ones) to try to make a positive impact. So much of our lives are spend in small talk and carefully side stepping the parts of our lives and depth of our selves that could lead to a better understanding of each other and of ourselves. I am not waiting to be an old lady (although I am half way there) to be a bit eccentric. There is enough "photo shopping" in life to waste my time with it.

The issues I am working on right now are big ones. The ability to see my life through rose colored glasses is a gift I never really appreciated until it became harder. As a teen ager, all I had was my hopes for the future and my ability to not see my life when I walked in the front door of my house. At school, I was a carefree happy and breezy person. It was wonderful. Those hours were real and I got to be happy. We all have the power inside of us to have joy in our lives right now. Like a skill or muscle, it takes practice and training to keep up the ability.

This year I am on an amazing journey. As most of you know, Kurt and I have been working our way through the infertility saga for years. When we lost our twins and I was hospitalized with major complications, I lost the ability to carry a baby. Have I been bummed about that ? Amazingly, not as much as you would think. We are very blessed to have embryos left from the start of our journey (at this point that was 4 years ago !). This year we have had the amazing chance to find and get to know a very special woman who will be a surrogate for us.

I have debated as to whether I wanted to blog about this or not. It is intensely personal. It was my surrogate who asked me if I would. Our hope is that sharing this journey will inspire and touch other people's lives. I am still trying to decide where the appropriate "home" for our joint blog will be. For now, I wanted to share this:

I am grateful for the difficulties that my family has had over the last 4 years with infertility and loss. Through the hard times, I saw the beauty of my friends(. Sharon was in the hospital with my so many time, she deserved a metal.) My students, family and friends made me realize how amazingly blessed we are. We grew as a family having shared the challenges. Even the miracle of childbirth (if it happens) will be all the more beautiful for the sharing with another woman and a family that my own family has had the honor to get to know.

I am making a promise to myself to hold onto that ability to see the world through rose colored glasses. You do not see any less clearly. You simply have the joy of the moment.

"That Time of Year"

This is a crazy time of year. It seems every year older I get, time speeds by at more alarming rate. I find it harder to "bother" with the decorations and hoopla when I know I will just have to take it all down again. If I didn't have kids, I would not bother at all. When I stop for a minute and remember the awe and joy I used to get around the holidays, it is a little sad that it has lost it's splendor for me. There is something deeper about it now that is more beautiful but much more evasive and subtle. If I am not careful, I will miss it. I know all of you (especially the Moms about my age) will relate when I talk about the lack of desire to get "done up" and go out. I used to love to get dressed up. In my work I don't really have to be "dressed" ever. In my younger days, I had a whole wardrobe for my weekends. Not so much now. The thought of having to get dressed up enough to go out to eat is so unappealing to me, I would rather order in.....

Taking care and "joy" in decorating ourselves or at this time of year, our houses or apartments, gets harder as we get older and busier. I have a feeling that somehow it is more important than ever for that exact reason. Our days, our years and our lives pass by faster and faster. Taking the time and effort to celebrate them while we are IN IT. Is really important. Every time I bother to get "done" (usually inspired by a friend who knows how good it is for me), I feel differently about my "self". There is a feeling of "ah yes, I remember you". Before I was a wife and a mother, I was just "me". You were just you. It was fun.

Spend some time with that "you" this holiday season. Get dressed. Decorate your living space. Light that candle that you save for a special occasion. We get to pick if our own lives and experiences are "special" enough. The years will pass by regardless. Let's choose to take the time and the energy to celebrate and mark our time here together. For our children but also for ourselves. We are worth the memories.

Life Phases

I heard from one of my students who moved this week. One of reasons I love what I do is getting to really connect with amazing people. It is always hard to "lose" someone to a move. Especially since I do not teach where they are moving.

Every year when I do my "6 week challenge", I am amazed at how every single person who signs up is lonely on some level. The most beautiful and exciting person/life has "holes" in it. Areas that are lacking on some level. The feeling of connecting, being "seen" and loved are what make us happy. Knowing we are valued,making a difference in someone else's life and sharing a bond with another human being are as needed as food and water if we are to "thrive".

In all phases of life, we ache for something and mourn the loss of something else. When we are children, we want to "be older" and we want our freedom passionately. Never realizing the responsibility and stress that comes with it. We search for a "life mate" or we search for Mr/Mrs. Excitement. The journey and beauty of the search is only seen clearly in hindsight. Every one of my single friends laments their singledom. Anyone married (who is honest with themselves) will admit that there is a kind of "loss" in the mystery of "how your life will unfold" being behind you. You can love your spouse deeply and have a very satisfying marriage but the thrill of discovering someone and "falling in love" is behind you.

As a Mother of twins, I remember asking everyone "when does it get easier?". I laugh at that question now. "It" doesn't get harder or easier, it just changes. You have to physically work with a baby. Changing diapers, feeding, bathing etc. As your child grows, you have to "direct" them into doing those things themselves (hopefully not changing diapers but you get the idea). Some days, I think it was easier when I could just do it myself. The worries change and we swap one issue for another as we journey through life. I used to worry that my kids might get burned by a hot stove. Now I worry about them being burned by an unkind word.

At 44, I find it harder to have "fun". Having been blessed with quite an eventful life, there is not much I "can't wait for". I am grateful for the security and peace of my life but at the same time, I see my "unsettled" friends and see the fun and beauty of the "searching" that they can't see.

All of us move through phases of our lives. Some are clearly awesome. Some really do stink. Mostly, they have an olio of extremes and gentle waves of happiness and challenges. What a gift it would be (to ourselves) if we were able to see with clarity, while we are "IN IT", the wonder of our own lives exactly where we are right now.

Story

The Honesty of Trees

I love Fall. It is a time where I feel we are the most in touch with the earth. We celebrate the trees as they transform to living fire. The smell of fall, crisp air, leaves, apples and the age old feeling of "harvest time" are some of the reasons I love this season so much.

Although I can't remember exactly how old I was when I learned this, I remember thinking it was the coolest thing I had ever: The color the leaves turn in fall are their "true" color. The colors were there all along. The chlorophyll (green) that infuses the leaves and functions to take in and convert energy, completely hides the colors.

The tree and therefore the leaves need the chlorophyll to survive and it functions as their equivalent of food. As humans, we go beyond our brother trees and wrap ourselves in needed and unneeded layers. We create some layers and steal from other animals to create some. We do this in order to survive and in some cases we do this to hide or to create our "Self" from ourselves or others.

What if we could see the colors in each other under our layers of fashion and fear? I wonder at how few people would ever have the courage to look at their own foliage let alone let the world see it.

There is an honesty to the trees that I admire. When the "season" comes to let go of the illusion and of the "youth" of Spring and Summer, it does. The beauty is astounding. There is an inspiration there for all of us if we care to see it.

Story von Holzhausen

getting back to blogging

I ran into a friend/student today. One of those people who are like a bright light that shines on you when they smile. She asked me if I was ok because I hadn't blogged in a long time. It was great to know that she was reading the blog but I realized that it has been a very long time since I have reached out and connected with all of you.

This has been a tough few months for me in some ways and a wonderful stretch in others. Classes are amazing and I feel inspired and moved by all of you. I am so lucky to get to do what I do for a living. Some of you will have noticed that I have had some joint pain the last few months and have been sick to my stomach. I can't imagine anything could ever keep me from doing all the things I love but it has been a bit harder lately.

One of the reasons I have not blogged is that I wanted to have some resolution before I opened up about it. Life rarely gives us the "resolution" we want so we need to find the peace within ourselves and enjoy the journey.

Keep tuned in and I will keep up my blogging .....

Story von Holzhausen

A few of my favorite things

I wanted to share a few things that I have discovered (or in some cases rediscovered) that are great:

1) Thermos Large Stainless Steel Hydration Bottle

It is a large bottle but ice will stay ice overnight even in the heat of August as I walk around. AMAZING !

2) You can take out the insoles of your shoes/cycling shoes and wash them. Often.

3) Athlete's foot powder in your shoes can help keep your feet smooth (that hard skin is often yeast/fungus based)

4) Reading is such a great way to travel, explore and live a million lives w/very little money. This year's picks:

a)George R.R. Martin's "A Game of Thrones" series. (I reread the whole thing this year because after 6 years the 5th book is finally out)

b) Cutting for Stone

c) Fall On Your Knees

5) Kat Von D tattoo concealer (it is light, does't run or show and can hide anything)

6) Benefit "Girl Meets Pearl". This stuff rubbed into your cheekbones makes your skin look perfect

7) Apifeni clothing for working out. So brilliant to put body shaping technology into workout wear. Compression helps recovery.

8) NibMor chocolate bars. They are sweetened with Agave

9) Vitamin Water Zero. The only easy to find drink sweetened with Stevia

summer love

I have been so remiss about blogging this summer. I got sucked into reading the George RR Martin series again after watching the HBO series and I was an addict all over again. I am not 5% away from finishing book 5 which took 6 years to come out. UGH.

I don't know where to begin in the praise of all my students ! This year has marked a huge growth in Liquid Strength® classes in NYC and the first time that there has been a class outside of NYC. Greenwich classes are as crowded and excited as all my NYC classes are.

I hope all of you are taking advantage of the delicious food that summer has to offer. I have been making myself Soft Shell Crabs. I never knew how EASY they are. I just lightly dust them with buckwheat flour and pan sear in olive oil. It takes 5 minutes and they are unbelievable. Cherries and watermelon have been my treat and daily splurge. YUM.

It will be really interesting when September comes around and everyone comes back to class how we are all going to fit in to the room....I have a feeling that it is time to add a few more classes.

Have a wonderful rest of summer everyone and I will see you in September !!!

The Best You

Standing in line at the grocery store, it is easy to get sucked into the sea of magazines that feed on tragedy, gossip and "who looks horrible in a bathing suit". These magazines stalk you when you get a haircut, see the dentist or have to wait in any room specially designed for just that purpose. The few times I am forced to get a manicure pedicure (I am not really a mani/pedi girl) for an event or job, I see women reading said "magazines" during the sacred half an hour they have managed to carve out of their busy lives that is supposed to be their "me time".

My viewpoint on "bottom feeding" is well documented here on my blog. (see "Global Spiritual Economy" post below). Nobody can feel good about themselves when they are knocking someone else down. Reading and supporting the selling of human misery is like passive bullying.

The next time the choice is there, pick up something to read that will teach you something. Working with people like I do on their "Self" and their "Self-worth", I see that all of us have talent and gifts to share with the world. Our biggest stumbling block is our "Selves". Many times as I try to help someone get to a great place physically, we discover that they are engaging in self abusive behavior. This can be in the form of feeding themselves badly, working themselves sick, a drinking or drug problem but more commonly, relentless self inflicted verbal abuse.

How can a person give and share with the world their "best self" if they can't find it ? Our lives are comprised of little decisions that we make every day. Your "Best You" is already there. Perfect , peaceful and patient. It is just waiting for you to stop chasing your tail and repeating the cycles of obsession and insecurity. Just let it go and decide that are going to be your own biggest fan and supporter.

Happiness attracts happiness. Joy radiates and spreads. Decide that you will be a a force of good in the world. Start by being a force of good in your own life and with the ultimate kindness towards your "self".

Story von Holzhausen

Story

The"fake it till you own it" trick

It is amazing how much of our lives and happiness is based on how we perceive. As I get older, I am less ticklish. I also am not afraid of needles or pain. Perhaps Liquid Strength has something to do with it, but I have learned to have a lot more "say" about how my body perceives stimuli. Even the emotional kind.

We get to choose how we experience our lives, our selves and the people around us. "Truth is the daughter of time" is my favorite quote. It allows me to sit back and let myself and those around me "figure it out". Justice, honesty and good will reveal themselves with time. False fronts will slip away and show their cracks.

In my work, I get to have intense personal connections with such a wide range of people. Even the physical boundaries of our society are not relevant in what I do. I can't count how many times in a day I reach out and put my hands on my students/clients bodies and move them into position. The places I normally touch would be beyond inappropriate in any other setting.

Perception forms our "truth". That truth will be different when viewed through someone else's eyes. Insecurity, fear and confidence in most adults are based in their perceptions of themselves, their bodies and their belief system of how they themselves are perceived. Some of the most beautiful people I know, are deeply insecure. The attention and pressure that they feel can be daunting. Many of my more famous clients suffer the most from this pressure. What I have noticed is that they have a kind of "persona" that they slip on when viewed by the "public". This persona is part protection, part costume and only partially based on reality.

The ability to project the image they wish the world to see is a gift. It allows them to "be" that image in many ways. I call this the"fake it till you own it" trick. Our posture, our aura and our "presence" all send a message to the world. More importantly, they send a message to us. The more we feel that we are something special and "worthy", the more we become just that.

Vanity and ego are the exact opposite of true confidence. They are "needy". A person who believes in their worth, does not need the attention of everyone around them. The irony is that such a person will get just that.

My son asked me while back, "Mommy, what is it to be cool?". That gave me pause. I had to think about it a while. Sometimes it seems (through our teenage perception) that "cool" can mean aloof, apathetic or even mean. What I told him is this "being cool is when you don't need anyone else to think you are cool, because YOU think you are".

We all have so much to give. There are opportunities for kindness and generosity throughout our day. The better we feel about ourselves and the less time and energy we waste on insecurity, the more we have to give to the world. Just like training our bodies, we can train our minds. We can begin to change the dialogue in our brains from "I am so fat/old/ugly/stupid" to "I perfectly embody myself". "I have so much to give the world". "There is so much power within me". We can all "Fake it till we own it". There is a grain of truth in nearly every statement. Nurturing the grains of truth that we want to believe and to be, is the most important job we have. We all have the power to change ourselves, our lives and the world. All we need to do is begin.

Story von Holzhausen

Rediscovery

Most of us like our routines. We get into our "grooves" and like it there. The day begins with our morning ritual and stretches out from one to the next in the patterns of our days. It is human nature to crave routine. From the time we are babies, it helps us function.

The downside to these routines is that they make our comfort zone very rigid. We begin to cease having to think or adjust ourselves to new stimuli. There was a study this year that showed that simply changing our route to work every day can help us keep our brains healthy. Some routines I find myself trying to get into. A routine of flossing I have done but can't seem to motivate myself to master one for my skin.

This year I have made a conscious effort to form some routines (like organization and household chores) while losing the routines that are not useful to my daily life. There is a real challenge to keep our passion and our "edge" with things that are so common to us that we cease to see them. Most of us have a job we have done for many years. We are likely good at or in this economy, we wouldn't have it anymore. When we began this job, we likely had a passion for breathing new life into it and doing it better than anyone ever did. I find with age, many people are threatened by new ideas or anything that may question how we do things. That is the very attitude that will limit us and "age" us. The moment we think we know it all, is the moment we cease to get better.

I have been teaching indoor cycling for 17 years. This year I have rediscovered it. Not an easy feat but a wonderful thing to have happen. Liquid Strength is a constantly evolving entity. That is why it is so special. The road will never end in a destination but continue on a journey leading us to a better place both physically and mentally/emotionally. Let's try to take that growth into our lives and rediscover how fun and challenging our lives are.

Story von Holzhausen

beautiful

I love that word. Beautiful. The weather right now is just that and what a difference in our lives it makes. The funny thing about beauty is that you really can't define it. It means something different to everyone. Beauty can be a superficial thing or the deepest and most profound of praise. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is as beauty does. There are endless cliches I could quote but I will spare you.

When it comes to people, I have learned that beauty (the superficial kind) can give you an advantage or a handicap. It seems that we all find people who are confident the most attractive. In many cases, just thinking you are "gorgeous' is enough to convince everyone around you of that fact.

It is amazing how much power we can give to the elusive quest for beauty. We cannot even see ourselves unless we choose to look in a mirror but yet our day can be ruined if we don't like what we "see". We could just "opt out" of the whole thing and just not look. The reality is that it would make very little difference, I mean, we can FEEL it if our bodies are uncomfortable or (in my case anyway) our noses are too big to fit in a glass when we drink but otherwise, as long as everything is working properly, why should care ? You sure as heck don't see any other animals worrying about such a silly thing. Yet for many people, a big part of their self worth comes from how they are perceived by others. Many times by strangers.

What if everyone chose to believe themselves to be "beautiful"? What if we were sure that everyone who saw us thought we were a perfect 10 ? How would our lives change? The reality is that they wouldn't very much. We would either love our jobs or not, be lonely or not and be happy or not. All that really matters is what YOU think of yourself. Yours is the only opinion you hear about all day long.

In my younger years, it mattered so much to me that everyone "like" me. I find as I get older, it really isn't about me. As long as I do the best I can to be good and do good, the lens with which the world will view me, isn't mine. Each person's lens will be clouded by past experiences, their own fears and insecurities and personal taste. It is really "none of my business" what anyone thinks of me. The important people in our lives are of course are a different matter but anyone walking down the street, if they notice us at all (and as we get older we very happily realize that everyone is far too busy with their own baggage to notice US), it is none of our business.

A very clear way to find happiness is to live our lives so that we like the person we are. The less we need validation from others, and the less time and energy we waste seeking it, the more we have to give. I find that training hard and gaining strength both physically and mentally, I earn my own respect. I can see from watching all of you, that you earn yours too. The most beautiful people I know are those who seem to have peace within themselves. They have such a strong base in their sense of "self" that they are not egocentric or boastful (these are hallmarks of insecurity). They are truly interested in learning / growing and excited for the success, talent and joy of others.

Every one of is responsible for the health and strength of our bodies. We are also responsible for the maintenance of our souls and minds. The more we feed ourselves and the stronger we get, the more we have to offer the world.

Where is spring ?

The weather is a reminder of just how much we don't control our world. As much as we think we do, the reality is that much of our lives hinge on fate/god/karma whatever it is you believe in. That can be a scary thought or a beautiful one. I am reading an amazing book called "Cutting For Stone" right now. It is set in Ethiopia but the characters are Indian. The god Shiva is the god of destruction. As Americans, we have a hard time understanding how a god that causes destruction could ever be good. If you think about it, the end of anything is the beginning of something else. When our lives change, we learn. With every turn of the road , we take in different scenery and are forced to take stock of our surroundings and even our own footfall. (If you have never seen the movie "Outsourced", it is a great film and shows with great humor exactly what I mean)

Looking back at my own life, I am grateful for the hardest times. The most difficult roads led me (even if the journey was agony at the time) to exactly the place I was supposed to be. That being said, I am grateful that I did not see the hard times coming. Not knowing exactly what will happen is a gift. It allows up to hope and dream. Perhaps the important thing is that we walk on our road with conviction and do our best to leave the people that we pass better for having crossed our paths.

Striving to better ourselves, whatever that means to you, is a journey too. You will have legs on your journey that don't feel "successful" to you. I truly believe that they are exactly the experience that you were meant to have. The secret is allowing yourself to "own" your limits and failures and learn from them. I like to think about the tough times in my life like muscle soreness. When I heal from it, I am going to be that much stronger.

Story von Holzhausen

5 weeks left

Hello all, I "left you all alone" over the weekend. After the first 3 days, one of 3 things happened:

1) You pretty much stuck to the three days because it was working and not as hard as you thought it would be.

2) You decided to add in some foods in and through some trial and error, feel ok about how it is going.

3) You intended to stay on the basic 3 day plan but to add some foods in and slipped off the deep end like it was a sheet of ice.

No matter which scenario fits, only 1 week has gone by and we have 5 left.

Sometimes, time is the hardest part of making change. We have to wait until the small shifts gather enough momentum to yield results we can feel and see. I would like to give some ground rules for everyone to follow. Some are specific to goals and some are for everyone.

For everyone:

1)Everyone should be doing 2xs of cardio a week and 2xs of strength training during this challenge. This can be power walking (intervals are best) or classes for cardio and push ups, walking lunges, weights or classes for strength training. Liquid Strength counts as one of each.

2) Doing your journaling and stretching/meditation daily (especially important to do during the time you normally eat badly to replace the behavior)

3) Read the blog, check into the facebook page or reach out to your teammates. Daily communication is really important.

4) Drink water with lemon in the morning and before dinner.

If your goal is weight loss:

1) exercise (even gentle)

2)Strength training that leaves you sore (especially larger muscle groups like glutes) during those twice weekly sessions.

3)Make dates with your teammates, trainers, DVDs etc. to work out.

4)Decide and plan for your eating plan.

If your goal is inner related (even if you wouldn't mind dropping a few pounds too)

1) Focus your journaling on what you are experiencing or not experiencing in your day. Watch for the emotional triggers that bring about the desire to self sabotage. What makes you feel good/bad about yourself during your day.

2) Take a very practical look at your day. Are there ways to make your life simpler ? Could you ask for help. Even hire a college student to do tasks that would allow you to have better quality attention on what is really important?

3) Write down what changes you would like to make and slowly push the boundaries around you towards a place that is healthier for you.

4) Take some time to focus on your belief system. (this can mean religion, philosophy, friendships etc.). What do you truly believe in ? What are you passionate about? If you never had to work again, what you choose to do? These are very important questions. The more closely we can align our lives up with what we love and what we believe we are supposed to be doing, the happier we are.

Answer these questions:

1) I feel best about myself when I am doing ________

2) I admire _______ in my friends.

3) I have always wanted to __________

4) I wish I could _________

5) I think I am really good at _________

Let yourself answer these unedited and then go back and read them. What can learn about the life you would like to have. One of the hardest challenges is finding the answers to these questions. Maybe you have no idea what you are passionate about. To be interesting, even to ourselves, we have to have passion about what we do in our lives. Finding that passion and fostering it's growth is perhaps the most important thing we can do in our lives.

I would love to hear what all of you do that you are passionate about. You can email the group or post on the facebook page etc. I will go first:

1)My children, dogs and friends

2)making a difference in women's lives and how they feel about themselves

3) reading and crossword puzzles

4) learning and curiosity

With 5 weeks left, we can really do so much

Story von Holzhausen